There's no parent, caregiver or child-facing adult alive who has only had perfect interactions with the kids in their lives. Everyone has had their moments when they've blown their top or said something uncarefully and wished they could take it back.
But even allowing for grace for those heat-of-the-moment mistakes, "Being mindful with the words we use when we speak with children is extremely important," says Tasha Brown, a licensed clinical psychologist and owner of TMB Psychological Services. Kids absorb what adults say to them, and especially how it makes them feel, and it helps shape who they are and the adults they become.
"What a child hears, repeatedly, in the first seven years of life becomes the script that they for their self-talk and their core beliefs," says says LaNail R. Plummer, Ed.D., LPC, CEO and clinical director of the Onyx Therapy Group and author of the upcoming The Essential Guide for Counseling Black Women. "If children hear more negative language and limitations, they'll continue to live their adolescent and adult lives with transferrable limiting thoughts instead of a belief of possibilities."
With that in mind, there are some unhelpful phrases that, if adults can strike from their vocabularies from the outset, will do them good in the long run. These are 10 things adults should never say to kids. They seem like they could be helpful — or at least prodding kids in the right direction if they're misbehaving — but they ultimately do more harm than good. (And if one accidentally pops out in the heat of the moment? Give yourself grace, make amends with an honest apology and move on — parenting can be hard!)
1."You're just hungry/tired."
Yes, it's probably true. But what cranky person — adult or child — is ever relieved by having another person point out the source of their grumpiness?
"At that point, your child probably has zero capacity to hear and think logically about what you’re saying, so you’re likely to end up in a power struggle about whether or not they’re actually hungry or tired," says Carla Naumburg, Ph.D., LICSW, a clinical social worker and the author of How to Stop Freaking Out. "If the issue is hunger, just put the food in front of them and don’t say a word. If the issue is fatigue, try this instead: 'I hear what you’re saying, and it’s important. I think your brain might be too tired to think clearly about this right now. If it’s still on your mind in the morning, we’ll talk about it then.' But only say that if you’re actually willing to discuss it in the morning!"
2."You'll be okay."
It sounds encouraging, maybe even uplifting, but it could actually come across as dismissive. "Parents and caregivers should strive to create a safe space for discussion by letting their children know that they can come with any questions, concerns or anxieties," Dr. Brown says. "When parents dismiss their child’s feelings by telling them 'you'll be okay,' they miss the opportunity to validate their child's emotional response to situations where they need support and care. They should let their children know that it's fine to be mad, anxious or numb and saying 'you'll be okay' shuts down that opportunity."
3. Anything negative about themselves.
It's hard not to correct, but kids absorb these messages very deeply. "Even if a child has consistent problematic or disruptive behaviors, they should hear more good things about themselves than negative things," says Dr. Plummer. "It's important for adults to understand the economy of language and the concept of investment messages. What you say to a child is your investment into their self-concept and core beliefs. If a child consistently hears that they're bad, they will continue to believe that they're bad. And, without alternatives for behavior and unsolicited praise when they do the right thing, a child will continue to behave negatively."
"Behavior is learned and reinforced," she adds. "Therefore, it's best to correct children by giving them an alternative and then praising them when they do something right. In the beginning, this may mean that an adult must 'find' and 'search' for something good that a child is doing. If a child constantly misbehaves but is calm for three minutes, in those three minutes, the adult should say, 'I see that you're calm and I really appreciate it. When you're calm, it makes me calm too.' These messages show a child that adults are paying attention to them, even when they're behaving well."
4. "Stop crying," or, "Suck it up."
It might seem like these phrases can get kids to find their inner strength and resilience, but that's not the message it sends. "You're essentially telling the child their feelings don’t matter," says Brianna Briganti, M. Ed., BCBA, LBA, clinical coordinator at Collaborative ABA Services. "Validating and being aware of their feelings is the first step to teaching coping skills and emotional intelligence. Children who don’t have emotional intelligence grow up to be teenagers and adults who are unable to cope, which can contribute to other issues related to mental and physical health."
A better response is to say something like, "I see that you're sad — it must have really hurt your feelings when your sister said that. I'm sorry this happened." In that way, "You're acknowledging the child's feelings, and validating why the child is feeling the way they are," she says. "This helps build their emotional intelligence for the future."
5. “I don’t have time to play with you.”
Caregivers might not always have time to get down on the floor for a game of pretend every time a kid tries to initiate one, but if they're constantly telling them you can't, then it could be damaging. "Play is extremely beneficial to not only a child’s development but also to the caregiver-child relationship," Dr. Brown says. "Play can help a child develop good social-emotional skills, build their self-esteem and develop their empathy. When caregivers refuse to play with their children, they miss the opportunity to build these skills with their children."
Rather than giving a flat-out "no," help them understand why you can't play with them at that moment. Something like, "Right now I'm working, but I can play with you later," or, " I would love to play with you, but right now I'm cooking — we can play at 6 o'clock," would be more helpful. "Those responses tell children that parents are willing to play, and offer other suggestions for times to play," Dr. Brown says.
6. “Make sure to hug [insert name here] goodbye.”
Show respect to relatives or friends is important, but kids' comfort is even more essential. Forcing this kind of physical affection "is disrespectful of your child’s personal boundaries and bodily autonomy," Dr. Naumberg says. "Instead, suggest to your child that they can offer a hug, handshake or fist-bump. If you say this in front of Aunt Bertha or Uncle Morty, hopefully they’ll get the hint before they come in for the hug!"
7. "You're stupid."
This should go without saying, and fits under the category of "anything negative." But it might slip out as a variation, like, "that was stupid," if a child gets something wrong or does something boneheaded (which they often do). It's still unhelpful if you're talking about their actions as opposed to their intelligence. "It’s okay to tell a child they're wrong, but it’s how you say it," Briganti says. "You want to teach them to learn from their mistakes without negatively impacting their self-esteem."
Briganti suggest saying something more along the lines of,"That is not correct, it is actually ____. That was a great try!" It's less damaging to the self-esteem. "You are still telling the child they are wrong, but in a positive way," she says.
8. "You can't..."
Sure, there are definitely things that kids can't do. "You can't shove your brother down the stairs," for example.
But if kids are trying something for the first time, and it isn't a danger to themselves or others, it might be best to retire phrase. "When a child wants to try a new skill, learn something new, I highly encourage caregivers to avoid the words, 'You can't,'" Dr. Brown says. "We want to encourage children to have a growth mindset. When children and adolescents believe that they have new opportunities to learn, improve upon their skills, push through various challenges, become better problem solvers and sharpen their academic skills. When we tell children 'you can’t,' we discourage that growth."
Even when it's time to correct a child's behavior, it's better if it's couched in more positive terms. "When adults become worried that children may harm themselves, it's important for the limitation to be framed with a replacement behavior," Dr. Plummer says. "You can say, 'I know you want to run. Right now is time for walking.' Or, 'I know your sister took your toy and you wanted to show her you were upset by hitting her. Instead of hitting, I want you to use your words and express yourself.'"
9. "You make me so mad."
The honest truth: Sometimes they do. But it's on the adults to manage the situation, not the kids. "This is known as 'blame shifting,'" Briganti says. "Most children don't have the emotional intelligence to process what you're actually trying to say, which is 'I don’t like when you ____.'" Instead, you should call out the true source of your anger and name what you'd like them to stop doing. "Using behavior-specific language clarifies to the child that you're not unhappy with them, but unhappy with the specific behavior they're engaging in," she says. And that specificity goes a long way to preserving their self-esteem.
10. "I just want you to be happy."
What parent doesn't want to raise happy, healthy kids? But putting that expectation on them is a lot of pressure.
"It’s a heavy burden to request that kids feel a certain way, especially given that humans can’t control our emotions," Dr. Naumberg says. "Sure, we can make choices that will influence how we feel — like how more sleep can equal calmer emotions — but ultimately we can’t control our feelings. And neither can our kids. Expecting them to be happy all the time is just going to increase their stress. Rather, our wish for our children should be that they learn to tolerate unpleasant emotions and be ok with them!"
Instead, Naumberg suggests saying something like, "Of course I want you to be happy. But nobody's happy all the time — it's just not possible. Everyone feels sad or angry or anxious or confused or just yucky sometimes, and that's okay. It's totally normal. If you're not feeling great right now, I'm happy to listen if you want to talk, or I can stay with you until you feel better, or I can give you space: Whatever you need or want right now is fine." The message could be modified depending on the age of the child, but something to that effect will have them feeling way more supported.
Marisa LaScala
Senior Parenting & Relationships Editor
Marisa (she/her) has covered all things parenting, from the postpartum period through the empty nest, for Good Housekeeping since 2018; she previously wrote about parents and families at Parents and Working Mother. She lives with her husband and daughter in Brooklyn, where she can be found dominating the audio round at her local bar trivia night or tweeting about movies.
